Monday, May 30, 2011

Sappy Birthday


Go away.

Don’t come in here. Just go. Go away.

Do something with the time you have in your hands. Occupy yourself. Generate time to pass time. Be involved in some profitable activities. Absorb yourself with knowledge. Get busy. Enrich.

So listen to me here. Leave this place right now. Do something while you still can. Do anything.

Fly a kite. Make yourself a cup of coffee. Create a birthday card for your friendly neighbour. Read a newspaper aloud. Compose a symphony in three movements. Start a conversation with the stray cats at your void deck. Colour your eyebrow. Plan a holiday to visit the Taj Mahal. Water the plants. Bake cupcakes. Learn to play the French horn. Go for a jog. Swim ten laps. Ride the tunnel of love. Update your anti-virus software. Download a song. Meet the dentist. See a circus. Be a clown. Sew yourself a poncho. Go fishing.

While you’re at it, you can perhaps keep a journal. Decorate your desktop. Shoot photos of smiling babies. Eat authentic Japanese food. Throw a tantrum in your office. Create a fuss. Give alms. Write a haiku. Write your death sentence. Do the hula dance. Visit the local zoo. Visit the old-folks home. Take up botany as a full time hobby. Rearrange your furniture. See a midnight show alone. Do a standup comedy. Buy yourself a karaoke set and start practising a couple of songs for the upcoming Aljunied Community Centre Karaoke Contest.

Go and loan a car if you have no money to buy one. Book a flight. Travel to some place like Effington, Minnesota. Then go for a urine test, if you have not done so for the past one-year.

There should be something out there that is interesting. Something that might catch your attention. Maybe you can at least spend a minute or two monitoring your blood pressure. Your cholesterol level. Your glucose level. Your weight. Your Body Mass Index. Perhaps you can develop your rectus abdominus muscles. Or try burning the excess fats that have been sitting quite obnoxiously at the bottom of your oversized hips.

You can call a deejay and dedicate a song to your long forgotten friend. Draw a self-portrait. Try Mensa IQ test. Read the whole freaking thesaurus. Complete a thousand piece jigsaw puzzles. Play rugby. Play online snooker. Buy shares. Buy TOTO. Catch butterflies. Create a voodoo doll and cast a spell. See the Discovery Channel. Design an elaborate website for a phony company. Go snowboarding. Rock climbing. Wave surfing. Net surfing. Channel surfing. Ego surfing. Buy a llama. Set up a chain of catering business. Join a beauty contest. Collect stamps. Learn the Heimlich maneuver.

If I were you, I will try my best to create a propaganda. Invent a reality-TV show. Buy a painting. Go to the museum. See an opera. Tan my body. Pierce my nose. Read your fortune. Do a magic trick. Make a short movie. Buy a Persian carpet. Distribute brochures. Paint my room orange. Go for a foot massage. Invent new words. Create anagrams. Count the stars. Prepare Hainanese chicken rice. Start a die-hard fan club. Sing a song backwards to a flock of canary. Sign up for some money savings scheme. Study jazz. Learn knitting. Participate in a home-viewing contest. Sell screenplays. Send hundreds of MMS via bluetooth. Spend a day at the beach. Donate blood. Erect a strange looking sculpture along the corridor of my apartment. Meditate.

The best thing to do now is to start a cult. Or join a cult. A cult of anykind. You can also lodge a complaint. Complain about as many things as possible. Start protesting. Start objecting. Start a demonstration. Start a movement to poke fun at the state of things. If you have the will, you can ultimately change the world. Colour the earth skyblue and repair the feeble ozone layer.

And just in case if you have a little time left, start documenting your pathetic life, right now, at this very second. This is by far the best form of storytelling for your kids (or maybe to your grandchildren).

One word of advice: DO ALL OF THE ABOVE BEFORE YOU TURN 30.

Having said that, Happy Birthday to myself.

Now, please go away.

To all my friends, thanks for the wishes. Appreciate that you are thinking of me. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to plan my next move after this 100th post. This might even be the last.
Bye bye.